Monday, April 19, 2010


Saturine people, Adim says, are influenced by the planet or the God or the energy of Saturn or Xani in Oxomia. The Saturines tend to be relaxed and non-controlling in life. They are not very ambitious as opposed to sun people who are managerial and control-freaks.

Going by the definition, many people I know look like they are heavily influenced by the jewellered planet. There are some seriously relaxed people I know whose blanket slogan in any situation in life is – I-am-ok-with-everything. Sometimes with raised hands. The only thing they have managed in their lives is to have a good time without doing much for it. They have managed to let others manage their lives while they relax and lie low while life passes by.

Going by my employment history (once I sat on a boss’s back while he was hunched on the floor looking for some papers that had flown away because I did not clip them properly), I am definitely influenced by the blue God. From the first job onwards, I have managed to do very little in a long and tedious decade of getting paid. I have managed more holidays then most regularly employed people I know. I can even give travel writers a run for money when it comes to travelling. I have perfected the art of coming late and leaving early from work look like the correct official conduct. I have reorganised organisations and offices to accommodate my afternoon naps and the necessary sofa and cushions for it. I have trained colleagues to take calls and not disturb me while I take my rejuvenating naps. And I am not elaborating the long meal breaks (breakfast, lunch, afternoon snacks and tea breaks in betweens) I manage to take everyday least I look like I am boasting. Overall I can say this much, as my retirement plan I plan to teach young people how to relax and not do anything in office when you have a job. When you do not have one, do not bother about it. And I plan to let somebody else do the teaching.

For this (the teaching job), I was thinking through my set of friends and found a few ranking high on the shortlist. Here is one to begin with:

Raja a.k.a Rajkumar meaning a prince:

When I called him yesterday to invite him to a party at 6.30 in the evening, mid-call I remembered something and felt very guilty - he wakes up from his afternoon nap only around 8p.m. I am surely disturbing him.

Needless to say, someone who can get up at 8 pm has little time to do much else. So he does not. His mother after years of trying to house break him realised it is bit late, now that he is full grown dog. It requires powers way beyond her control (she must be a Sun person). So she consulted some astrologer who said Raja is under heavy Saturn influence - Xani-doxa. This Xani-doxa will last for a year and make things very slow for him. He gave her few stones for Raja to wear around his finger. In this one year, he must remain very careful. He must not lose the rings and must have a bath at least on Saturdays. In the meantime he should start work that he likes. This latter part, Raja says, his mother made up because he had clearly told the astrologer he does not like any work at all.

Few weeks into this strenuous routine of a careful life one day Raja was very pissed off. At the crows on the tree next to his window. Now anyone who has lived near a tree with a few crows would know how annoying they can be. They make a lot of noise early in the morning. I absolutely hate them and am careful not to let any tree be near my window. But I hear there are some morning-walker types who like them because they save on the alarm clock expense.

Raja however was more pissed off than people would be when woken in the morning by crows. For, in the morning either he is still partying or he is too fuzzy to care. But this bunch of irritating crows was ruining his afternoon nap, right in the middle of it, by returning to the tree around sun set. Everyday, he would be woken from his much needed siesta (how else will he get energy to party when he gets up?). He did manage to sleep through this nuisance for about 20 years. But one particularly tiring day, (last night’s party had continued till noon) while he was trying to recuperate for another very important party, he lost it. He took out his air rifle and shot a couple of them sinister birds.

Mayhem broke. Now I am not sure if they have shown it on a nature channel ever, but I have seen in real life that crows get absolutely mad if you do anything to one of them. They are like an angry mob where the anger is spontaneous without any political instigation and slogan shouting leaders. They are more vicious then the latest red army in news when it comes to giving it back to the oppressors. The entire hoard has only one thing in mind. Kill the killer. This continues for days while the crows suspend their regular routine of whatever crows do in a day. From morning till night they stay on vigil looking for the enemy to come out. And they are so accurate and focused in remembering and identifying the human who has killed their one that it would put Osama hunting American troupes to shame. There is no mistaking any turbaned Punjabi to be the enemy with crows. In fact, if Osama shaved (which I am sure he has already), grew a Mohawk, pierced himself from bellybutton to eyebrow, played in punk rock band and looked like this crows will be able to peck him to death the instant he comes into their vision field.

So for days, Raja could not get out of the house. Hundreds of crows waited for him near his window, in his balcony, near their gate, even kept an eye on his garage door so that he could to get to his car. He had to suspend all parties. This naturally made Raja feel like things are not going well in his life. So he landed at the feet of the astrologer again –

‘You said, my life is going to improve if I wear these rings and have a bath on Saturdays? I have had 9 baths so far. Never have I taken baths so frequently in my life. And this is what I get? I can not even go out to party? What kind of an astrologer are you?’ – Raja raged.

The astrologer fell from his spiritual mat when he heard what Raja had done.

Nahin!!’, he lamented Hindi film style. ‘What have you done? How many did you kill?’

Raja: Five

Astro: ‘Hai Xani Dev! (Saturn God). Save him. Only you can save him.’

He looked at Raja and said with very dark, very serious eyes:

‘For people who are going through Xani-doxa, black things are gods. They must worship all things black. And must never, I repeat NEVER, kill anything black. You have killed crows, and that too five?! An odd number! Now Xani Dev will be very angry with you. Your life will fall apart. Nothing you do you will succeed in. Nothing you will be able to achieve.’

Raja did not mind the last bit, but not succeeding in anything made him think about all the chicks he has been trying to score with in the past month. A few of them are right near the goal post. If Xani now puts obstacles in his path, his many weeks of hard work will be delayed. Although he is not the one to try and do anything about anything, delayed pleasure of sleeping with girls was too much to sleep on. Especially without the girls. So he asked:

‘What can be done now? (Hoping someone else can do something about it)’

Astro: ‘You have to go to the Xani temple every Saturday for 7 weeks and offer Xani Dev puja. But please make sure to have a bath before that.’

Raja, I hear, did try to negotiate the stringent clauses – can’t I do only 3? Can’t my mother do the puja? Is the bath absolutely necessary? But seeing the fear in the astrologer’s eyes for his own future, he decided to be ok with it.

Raja started going to the Xani temple every Saturday. About 5 Saturdays passed. But Raja was not seeing any marked improvement in his life. The crows had cease-fired the attack, but he was sure it was a temporary thing. A feeling that they were regrouping and strategising for a come back, followed him every time he came out to the balcony. And these were the only birds that flocked toward him these days. The chicks he so skilfully cultivated were not laying. At least not with him. He was planning on visiting the astrologer again and demanding a refund of the 20 rupee he had given him the last time when he bumped into the very guy near the Xani temple one Saturday. He was bowing to the black idol, his palms together, his eyes closed and his soul sincerely negotiating a direct deal with the God (please Xani dev, at least make Radha agree to come over to my room tonight. I promise I will not kill any crow ever), when he heard a familiar wail saying:

Hai Xani de! Iski raksha karo! (Oh Saturn God, save him).’

He turned around, to find the astrologer, dark with fear and fury. He was shaking like a vibrating dildo looking at Raja. When Raja smiled, he said, ‘Nahin!’ with the same Hindi film effect. The thought blurb over Raja’s head said, ‘this guy has been caught and now he does not want to return the 20 rupee and that’s why he is saying Nahin.’

Raja wanted to let go of the money and clinch a deal in return to ensure Radha comes to bed. But the strange, frightened vibration coming from the astrologer stopped him. Instead he asked: ‘What happened? Why are you shaking like Xani has possessed you? Did you not have a bath today?’

The astrologer cried, ‘Hai Xani dev!’ 3 times at this and then said, in a surprisingly calm and cool voice for a dildo: ‘Beta, have you been praying like this every Saturday?’

Raja, feeling a bit smug thinking he is being appreciated said: ‘Yes, every Saturday and I have also been having a bath.’

Astrologer: ‘What have you done beta (son), what have you done to yourself’

Raja, now a bit confused: ‘You mean I could have done without the baths? I could stop now. I won’t have it next Saturday. Ok?’

Astrologer: ‘Nahin beta, you have made a great mistake. You have bowed in front of the Xani devta. He is not a God you bow to. When you appease Xani you look at his eyes straight. For he does not like weak willed people. He will help you when you look him straight in the eye. But if you bow in front of him, he will sit on your head. He will sit on your head and screws with it. He will not let you think one thing straight. He will make your head go round and round. He will not let you do any work. Nothing will happen in your life. You will not be able to achieve anything. You will not see any success. What have you done to yourself?’

At this point, Raja ran. I am exaggerating of course. Raja is hardly the kind to run for anything. In reality he staggered to the paanwala next door, bought a cigarette, lit it, walked to the car and drove home. Now, the fact that he did not go to a bar or call a friend to smoke a blunt with, shows that he was running metaphorically. So he rab home, fetched his mother from the kitchen (a lot of work) and gave the all the stones back to her. To her he explained:

‘Listen, I just met the astrologer at the temple. He said from now on, my life will go back to the same way it was before this Xani-doxa business started. So I do not need these rings or to go to the temple any more.’

To the visibly happy looking mother, he did not mention that he also does not have to take a bath every Saturday anymore.